I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
You Might Also Like
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?