I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable