I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
the last thing a carrot sees
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.