I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.