I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
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[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.