I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.