I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
my mom making me talk to relatives
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”