i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
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There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
some Old Testament wisdom
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Boating season is upon us.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please