I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
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That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants