Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Best table by far

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx