I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
it is time once again
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma