I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE