I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
What even happened today?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet