Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever