I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.