I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.