I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
#winning
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Ron is short for Aaronald
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Bike is short for Bichael.