I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter