Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

very niche meme I made

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now