I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human