I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
You Might Also Like
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.