I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Saturday
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.