“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Somebody’s lying.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.