I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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Lmao 🤣
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over