Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

😂

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.