I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?