@rsf788

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

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@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

@AimeeHelene1

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

@IDontSpeakWhine

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

@TheTweetOfGod

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

@

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

@HysteriaBarbie

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

@SondraDeeMe

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

@VallyOfTheLilly

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

@UncleDuke1969

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll