I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.


Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.


14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?



14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.


The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.


Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling


I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”


“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food


If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.


Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK


wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll