@rsf788
@Bandersnaaatch Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
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@Bandersnaaatch 
@AimeeHelene1 Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
@IDontSpeakWhine 14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
@TheTweetOfGod The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
@HysteriaBarbie I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
@cloudypianos “someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
@SondraDeeMe If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
@VallyOfTheLilly Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
@UncleDuke1969 wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll