I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
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I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place