I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish