I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!