I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
🙂🐾
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
crying
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.