“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.