I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
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How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
December birthdays be like…
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.