I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
o shit
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.