I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
You Might Also Like
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job