I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
When your man makes a valid point
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?