I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Not recommended for beginners.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap