I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.