I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
*orders delivery*
my first dose meeting my second
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.