I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
What’s so funny?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.