“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.