@Darlainky

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

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@thatdentaldude

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

@weinerdog4life

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

@Aspersioncast

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

@MelvinofYork

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

@figgled

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

@Puercotron

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

@elliothetherton

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

@DearAuntAbby

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.