I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no