I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

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[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me


Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.


Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it


I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.


I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.


Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…


In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.


I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”


I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me


ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”