[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
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Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”