I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
An odd boast
Lmfaoooooo
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away