I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
jesus, what did this guy do
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?