I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.