@Jeeepsta

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

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@DanMentos

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

@STRIKINGxVIKING

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

@_elvishpresley_

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

@loribuckmajor

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

@reallifemommy3

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

@BradBroaddus

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

@mc_funbags

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.