I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
You Might Also Like
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Breaking news:
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
the council will decide your fate
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.