I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“i am a sweet baby”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.