I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.