I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh