I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.