I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
thinking about a very short hotdog
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do