I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.