I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
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charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
gentlemen, hear me out
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*